Random late night musings

Haha. It's 4 am now. Trying to figure out how exactly to break down the budget when we are aiming for zero dollars spent.

Guess I will have to come up with some reasons to back up why we don't need any expenditure etc etc.

and no, I didn't come to school on Monday because "my body clock screwed up"...more because of a cold that has been bothering me for quite a few days now, as well as a nagging nose problem.

Even the doctor said that my nose is sensitive-.-

Logged on to MSN for a non-existant meeting but well...I have to admit that this particular semester is a bit draggy in terms of projects. Somehow, the motivation just doesn't seem to be as strong as before. Maybe after a period of time, everyone got kind of bothered by the monotony of it all?

For more than one and a half year now, my classmates and I have known each another. Maybe we are just getting a little bit too used to it. Sometimes, with closeness, you can't avoid drifting apart.

With attachment coming in a few months, I am still struggling to decide what I want to do. The New Paper? Sure. I like it a lot. I like the environment....but I haven't really been given a taste of what it is like to step into the boiling cauldron called "newspaper deadlines". I'm not even really sure that my articles are up to standards at times.

Advertising? Hah. Definitely not for me. I can't draw to save my life, except for some lousy small sketches during my holiday part-time job. Was bored and decided to draw objects in front of my eyes. The effects were...okay..let's say that I am still rediscovering the pen ._. It's been what? 6 years since I did that?

Not to mention that I drew those in front of Guo Hong from DA, whose artwork is fantastic. Sigh. Looks like I still need to buck up a lot.

Speaking of which...I haven't even blogged about my holiday part-time job...lol...even though I took some pictures here and there. Do you see the extent of my procrascination? I am going to blog about it...sooner or later...but only after this second rush of projects are over....

I sometimes feel that life is mundane. Yea sure. Call me a stay-at-home guy or whatever.

I only felt really close to my primary school friends. Then secondary came and all of us were split-up. So much for the alliance of five.

I sometimes really wish that I could be more outspoken about things. I sometimes really wish I didn't over-estimate myself and throw myself headlong into HCI. I should have weighted the objectives then, but I was naive and I didn't really know anything at all.

The result?

4 wasted years.

I can't help thinking that my current classmates only know me "post-secondary school", not the cheerful, bubbly, talkative person I was back then.

To say that HCI shattered my confidence was an understatement. I went there naive as ever, and generally did what I did during primary school, and assumed everyone as my friends, only to be dealt a reality check.

I never really did fit in very well, as most of them are either from Nanyang or other top primary schools and as a result, they are always doing stuff together. It doesn't help that there was only one other guy from my primary school who went to HCI, and he wasn't in my class.

As usual, I tried to keep myself out of conflicts etc.

I once got upset during primary 4 when someone accused me of being a thief and bited him on the knee. Yea. Looking back at it, it was pretty stupid of me. But Primary 5 was when the five of us boys would just gather together and make a fool of ourselves, having fun in the process.

Back to Secondary one. The teasing didn't stop and although I didn't show it, it really affected me. My studies suffered and my weight began to balloon. I even remembered one occasion where I told one of the class' resident trouble-maker that I regarded him as a friend, and his reply was "really? I never regarded you as one."

Secondary 2, it was still the same class. There was this particular incident where the Geography teacher lashed out at me and demanded to know who my friends are in the class.

No one stood up. After what seemed like an eternity, three classmates that I usually hang out with stood up rather hesistantly.

Well. After 2 years. 3. Great.

In Secondary 3, we were split into different classes. This time, it features different classmates. The 3rd year was overall, not bad.

4th year came and with the addition of a quite number of new students (mainly those sitting for the o levels), the whole class began to seem like a zoo all over again. I don't really see eye-to-eye with 3 particular guys, as they are always trying their best to cause trouble. Attention-seeking? I don't really know. Then again, we don't argue and we certainly don't fight. All was well.

Then one day, on the day of the A maths paper, I came back into the classroom after flag raising and found the entire whiteboard scribbled with insults towards me, with Ru Jin writting "man (the "man" from my name) zu xi" (chairman slow, translated), along with a slew of other words that definitely don't fall into the "praise category".

I only remembered myself swelling up with anger, my hands crushing the copy of newsweek that we received for our reading period.

Apparently, they had stayed back the previous day, and some idiots thought that it was fun to write insults towards their classmates. They had forgotten to wipe if off the boards. How nice.

Thinking back about it, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE EXACTLY TO DESERVE THAT?

Did I meddle with their life? Did I piss them off with any off-hand comments? No. I chose to isolate myself after the sec1/sec2 debacle and just keep to my own seat.

I was sorely missing my primary school friends. All the motivation, gone. For someone like me who depends on friendship, every word on the board was like a arrow searing through my flesh.

Apparently they thought I was a easy target and just wanted to have some fun.

Oh. How nice. They pretend to be all intellectual and mature in front of female visitors and behind it, you get people like Ru Jin, who use a copy of the newspapers to roll it up and...pretend it was something and proceed to stroke it...yea...you get my drift.

I have also heard tales of lower secondary students making a sudden movement towards their classmates in the toilets and proceed to grope them.

Did I mention that one of my 4P classmate, was almost recruited as a pole dancer for Club Momo? The reason he was denied the chance was because he was under 18. Did I mention that he likes to pose in translucent underwear in his blog as well? I didn't view the photos. My other perverse classmates did. It was either that or viewing nude pictures using the school computer...yea.

Seems like single-sex schools aren't all cracked-up as they said it is. Behind all the awards and stuff, they wouldn't want to publish the hidden stuff do they? The ones I listed are only a small section. There are a lot of other tales, but I didn't really care about those.

Anyway, the day that O levels ended, I was glad that I finally got out of that hell-hole.

When it came down to picking the route after O levels, I didn't really have any idea what I was going to pick. In fact, it was during SP's orientation that my mom suggested Media.

I didn't really think about it until then, but out of all the courses, nothing really appealed to me. Media sounds pretty interesting...so why not?

Countary to what others think, I didn't put Ngee Ann as my first choice, as I was determined to avoid the Bukit Timah area as much as possible.

SP...didn't really fancy my chances.

RP, quite new, don't really know about it...

TP...the walk-around with one of my pri sch "gang of 5" friend Song Hao left the two of us dizzy.

So why not NYP? Since it's the closest to my home and all. Hahah. Lazy excuse...I know.

I remembered gingerly approaching one of the SBM lecturers with my results, and asking if it is enough for me to enter the course. To my great relief, they said it's most likely possible.

I actually thought I would have to settle for one of the courses that I don't realy find suitable for me...such as nursing. Can you imagine? Hah.

Well, as it turned out, I made it into the course by the skin of my teeth.

I remembered feeling all nervous and stuff, at the prospect of maybe encountering similar kinds to my secondary school classmates.

As it turned out, my classmates turned out to be, as described by my sister, "pretty nice". It doesn't really have any obnoxious males that would do anything to get the attention of girls, while at the same time, there aren't really any primma donnas in the class as well.

If you asked me, I would say that it's quite well-balanced. For me, that is. I have no idea about what the rest of you think.

As I was relating the stuff about Secondary school to my sister 3 weeks ago or so, well, I felt kind of relieved that, through the luck of the draw, I ended up with this class. If we haven't met, who knows, we might just bump shoulders on the streets and not give a dam. My sister said that, I actually got a pretty nice class. I like to think of it that way as well.

Frankly, now that we are more than half-way done with our course, the realization that the class might be split apart come 2010 is staring right back at me.

Considering that this is our last academic semester, and that attachment will most likely isolate us for six months, followed by TEP, which splits us into several groups depending on which areas we want to pursue, the odds of us bumping into each us might be quite limited, which is a stark picture that Edwin painted out for me a couple of weeks ago when I handed up the ICA to him.

If you want my honest opinion, I think some of us might take things for granted at times. When we are seperated, the males go to mandatory NS and the females are free to pursue either studies or work. By that time, we might suddenly have regrets, like I did for primary school. Therefore, before it is too late, create a lot of memories as a class together. You will never know when we might meet again once our poly lifes are over. When it comes down to that, do organise frequent catch-up sessions yea?

If I'm able to, I would like to pursue studies after NS...that is if the grades allow me to...but that would also have to depend on the circumstances. I would like very much to pursue photography, although I am still lacking in the self-confidence part. Main reason would be to improve my techniques and to learn new skills. I don't really rate my own photography highly. I wish I could know how to work those colours perfectly and capture images at perfect timings, to take pictures which, everytime I look back at it, I can feel a smile on my face and a sense of satisfication....but...that's still quite a few years down the road.

If I'm able to, I would really like to work as a photographer on TNP, like Gavin Foo or be an apprentice to Mohd Ishak, whose photos featured in TNP have won quite a few awards. I would be able to expose myself to current events throughout the world, get a sense of anticipation at new upcoming projects and also, to get my work recognised.

Or maybe that's the "blogging-at-5:28 am" effect. Hah. I tend to have rather unrealistic goals at times. Without hard work, you can't achieve anything. Sadly to say, I have been guilty of being lazy plenty of times.

Sometimes, I can't really fall asleep. I would just stay up all night thinking about certain stuff or indulge myself whenever a sudden burst of "inspired blogging" happens. It might not be a good read...but whatever. They say blogging provides some relief...and ranting what I felt about Secondary school felt kind of good.

Even now, I still wished that I had chosen another secondary school instead. Looking at the different cliques at the different shopping centres and fast food resturants, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of a jealously.

It might be a bit shallow of me to say this, but I sometimes feel out-of-touch with friends at times. Take my long-time neighbour for example. He lives at the other end of the corridor, 2 floors down. We used to be quite tight during primary school...but with us being in different schools...yea...it's stuff like this that makes me realize that in the end, we don't really understand our friends as well as we would wish to.

Haha...I felt that I am on a path to recovery. I beamed with pleasure whenever someone paid me a compliment, saying that I have changed from my earlier entrance into poly life, be it through msn, or casual remarks, or unexpected events like a classmate turning up at your parent's healthy breakfast shop one fine morning and relying the information to her. My apologies is that I am not really good at paying compliments myself though...

I must admit, I still feel really self-concious at times. Same old clothes. Same old boring attitude. I know...not really the type that draws others towards him is it? Haha. Well, that's the truth. At least, that's what I think.

I know I really need to work on it.
It might sound corny and w/e, but in a way, I am really glad to meet this class and at the same time, widen up my limited social circle by a bit. If you take in account, my primary school friends and my current poly friends, that number isn't really impressive at all is it? ahha.

In lieu of the after-event, I must really give my thanks to the three guests of mine that came down for the Twilight party.

Initially, I was worried about the final arrangements and how things will pan out, but the results were beyond my expectations. All three of them seemed to enjoy the party and personally, getting up close and personal with some of the radio DJs really made my day as well.

I was also surprised that I agreed to par-take in the make-up session. Hahah. That really surprised even myself. I bet quite a few of you didn't really expect it as well right? Ahahahaha.

Although quite a few were unable to join due to commitments, I really want to sincerely thank you guys as well. At least you guys didn't turn me down flat...ahaha.

I admit I was in a bit of a pickle when the third guest was not confirmed...but as Shaman King's Asakura Yoh would say, "everything will work out in the end", and that was my mantra as the SMSes and phone calls were traded fast and furious...and in the end, it did.

and so...thanks to Candy, aka Pei Jun, who had to run down Clarke Quay Mrt's 90 steps barefooted to reach her last train to Punggol,

to Olivia, who made it to the party even though she had only just returned back to Singapore from her holiday,

and to Feng Ling, who was dragged down by Olivia and who took quite a few pictures for the 4 of us.

I will be blogging more on the party on Thursday, after our ICA is over. That's a promise. (But remind me yea?)

If anyone have anything against this post, please contact me about it, so that I can delete/edit it if necessary.